My name is (well, let's just call me Oiram for anonymity purposes).
In all my 44 years of life on this amazing planet our forefather science dudes so aptly named Earth, I have never experienced experiencing such an amazing experience in a dental office, or really... any other variety of office (the only exception being the arizona lottery office where I once collected a dollar two ninety eight in '86).
Please allow me to elaborate, orate, and pontificate.
My appointment at All Smiles Dental Care was scheduled for August 20, 2015 at 1:10 pm. Now, being 44 years old, having raised four children, at least three dogs, one very unfortunate guinea pig, and one ex wife... my mind and body have been through a lot. The old motor skills aren't what they used to be, so to speak (though according to my ex wife, they were never anything to brag about in the first place). That being said, I often depend on my cell phone reminder alarm to assist me in matters of, for lack of a more appropriate term, "air headedness" when it comes to remembering appointments. With it's help, I am no doubt viewed and admired by the people of Earth, as a respectable, responsible (and it goes without saying, handsome) adult who is never absent or late for appointments. "You can always count on Oiram!" they say (i mean... i like to tell myself that's what they say).
Now... On the morning of said appointment, I woke to the tones of a lovely ballad 'Home Sweet Home' by Motley Crue (if you don't know it, you're obviously not with it, and i highly recommend you give it a listen) which I programmed as my ring tone for my cell phone calendar alarm. I arose from my Sertuh Matress (it's a generic Serta but as everyone knows, generics are just as good as the real thing), and checked my phone to see what adventures lie ahead for me. I was ecstatic to see that I would be spending my afternoon with the always lovely staff at All Smiles Dental Care. I suppose one could say that I was literally "all smiles"! Anywho... other than the Doberman Pincher chasing me for 6 blocks during my 5:30 am run, my morning was pretty non eventful. That is... until around 11am. Now, I knew my dental appointment was coming up in the hours ahead, so I took a look at my phone calendar so that I could start calculating departure to, arrival to, and departure from All Smiles. Well, it appeared that once again, my "air headedness" had reared it's ugly head (wait, what?). It seems that I had inadvertently deleted the appt reminder. You can imagine the level of panic I felt when the thought of me being late or even worse, missing my entire appointment entered my mind. I mean... my "responsible adult" street cred was in jeopardy! I knew I had to do anything and everything in my power to avoid such a tragedy. Now, I can imagine what you're thinking, as most commoners who can't possibly understand greatness, seem to always have the "easy, obvious" answers. Things like "Duhhh... Just call, email, or even stop by the office and get your appointment time, idiot!" or "Call your ex wife. She tells you how to solve every other predicament in your life.", etc. Well to that I say, NONSENSE! I am Oiram. I am great. I am a responsible and well respected man of the world. I am above all your "obvious" fixes. I guess my point is, I don't put myself in the category of average people who miss appointments. I'm better than that, so I don't take the "easy" route.
But I digress.
Now... after taking a double dose of my daily Ginkgo Biloba, and eating an entire breakfast consisting of every item listed on health.com's '9 Foods That May Help Save Your Memory' article, it started to come back to me. I was now positive that I had it narrowed my appt time to within a 3 hour window. So... what was my plan, you ask? It's funny you should ask. I would show up within that window of time, and depending on the actual appointment time, I would tell the staff that I needed to get some work done in a quiet atmosphere and therefore, made a conscious decision to arrive early and bust out some work before I would be seen. That would alleviate any curiosity by the staff as to why I was so early. THEN, I would pretend to do said work with my headphones on, while I actually played SongPop online with my son who is most likely running a similar con in one of his classes at Arcadia High School. GENIUS!! "But wait!", I thought. "What if he was in P.E. or Art?! He loves those classes and wouldn't be paying attention to my "your turn" alerts!" Ugh. Now what? As I was already beginning to suffer the symptoms of an oncoming migraine as a result of working my brain so vigorously, I was beginning to feel defeated. It seemed I would be forced to humble, embarrass, and lower myself to commoner standards, and call All Smiles for my appointment time. Double ugh.
But just then... ALAS!!! The universe spoke to me and I would be spared the shame of revealing myself as a "normie"! My cell phone alerted me of an important text message! It was a text reminder of my appointment from (no, not my ex wife) All Smiles Dental Care! "This is a reminder that Oiram's appt is today, Thu, Aug 20 at 1:10 PM". BOOM!
Well... I was on time. I was gregarious and congenial. I was amazing. It was obvious, judging by the reception I got from Nikki, Bernadette, and Cindy, that I was their most prized patient. I can only imagine how much they were looking forward to seeing me. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that they were all madly in love with me and dreamed of someday being my wife. Heck... I might even consider marrying Cindy. She's one hot tamale! Not to mention, I would totally love to see the look and reaction of my ex wife when learning of our engagement! She said I'd never find a woman more beautiful and intelligent than her. "Man, I can't wait to invite her to me and Cindy's wedding!", I thought.
But again... I digress.
In the end, Aubrey did an amazing job cleaning my teeth (though she said i could've waited at least another 6 months, as she'd not seen teeth that clean in all her years as a Dental Hygienist) and was as pleasant and congenial as always (she probably wants to marry me too). Dr. Nunley, who I admire on so many levels, came in after my cleaning (to serve as validation that my oral health was in impeccable condition) and shared one of his awe inspiring adventures with Abominable Difficulty Grade 7 mountain climbs, rare bird sighting expeditions in the jungles of South America, living with Pigmy's, serving as a troubleshooting guide for the Discovery Channel's 'Naked and Afraid' before they even send crews and subjects out for filming, etc.
My examination came to a close. Nikki and Bernadette checked me out (in more ways than one). Aubrey, Cindy, and Dr. Nunley made a beeline to me, gave me a big hug (Cindy winked at me), and with a trace of tears in their eyes, wished me safe travels and expressed their looking forward to my next appointment. Without them saying so... I knew they'd miss me dearly.
Now, I was off to Dairy Queen.
All Smiles Dental Care appointment... Total success. Boom.
Thanks guys!! You are ALL, truly the best! (I mean... other than me)